EXCERPT FROM BALL: A TRAUMEDY by Brian Lobel

A Problematic Diagnosis

 

I can't say for sure, but it sure does feel...problematic . Problematic? I am a 20 year-old male whose last concern should be bumpy balls... problematic? A testicle as big and hard and bumpy as mine – I'd say that's something more than just problematic .

( House lights come to full, notices the audience ) Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I often take it for granted that some people may not know that this is a story about cancer, or at least, sort of about cancer. But I don't die at the end, so this is probably less juicy than you want it be – sorry to disappoint you. My bump. ( Return to stage lights)

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that this was a bump on my ball, my testicle, in my crotch? That was problematic. I mean, I'm pretty comfortable with my body, but everyone around me – my family, my friends, my doctors – was talking about my balls, soon to be singular, and touching my balls, soon to be singular. I didn't know if I should feel uncomfortable or flattered.

People always ask me about when I first found it: When did you first notice something? Were you at a checkup? Did you feel sick? I'll tell you this story because I think, well, I think it's pretty interesting... I, Brian Lobel, found my grand, life changing lump while sitting in a hotel bathtub and pleasuring myself as I listened intently to an episode of Seventh Heaven. Ironic, no? So when people ask me - When did you first notice something? Were you at a checkup? Did you feel sick? Do I tell them the truth, or do I tell them what they want to hear, which rarely ever includes the words masturbation, malignant lump and minister's family in the same sentence.

I felt it and I said, “No, this isn't good, I should have this checked out,” so I went to my doctor who told me that it was problematic , and even though he had only touched my bumpy ball for a brief second, he made sure to say: But don't worry Brian, even if there is a problem like testes cancer, rest assured that you will still be able to have a normal and healthy sex life. Hey GREAT! Maybe testicular cancer will be all that I need to start my sex life.

Every doctor I saw reassured me that I would have a normal and healthy sex life, a NORMAL and healthy sex life – I did not have a normal nor a healthy sex life! They seemed obsessed with my erectile function as if it were my heartbeat. I'm sorry, but when they said the word cancer, the farthest thing from my mind was – oh, no! Will I still have regular erections? Early-morning boners? Awkward semi-hard-ons? I mean, cancer.

What a loaded fucking word, cancer. Those two little syllables could make me shiver, see sickness, bald headedness and death. I was one month past my 20 th birthday. And I had cancer. (Pause)